Entries by tag: relationships
Maybe you're not like my neighbors. They're fine people, decent people. However, their two poodles are currently gated on the front porch of their house and barking at everything that goes by. The constant noise pollution is not welcome. I will remember this if I ever want to have a loud party or run a saw at 5:30am. Consideration gets consideration.
This morning when I was done working in the garden I headed for the house only to realize on the steps that something was on the bottom of my sandal. I scraped it off on the edge of the steps and it was dog shit. I hosed off my shoe and the steps. It may seem like a small thing to you, that your dog does not come when you call it and loves to shit in my garden, but it is not a small thing to me.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a girlfriend who has two dogs. She wanted me to walk one but I begged out. The one that she did bring, an American pitbull, was kept on leash the whole time. It took the treats which were offered regularly regardless of behavior, and appeared indifferent to the kiddie talk tone taken in her speech. It kept jumping on me, and slobbering on my legs whenever we stopped. Slobbering may be normal in your world, but I don't want it in mine.
I live across the street from a park, and people walk their dogs past here all day every day. I have a cat. My cat hates dogs with a ferocity I have never seen in another creature. She will go out of her way to draw blood if the dog is clueless enough to get in range. But some dogs would kill her if they caught her, and she recognizes that kind and runs, climbs, escapes. The park rules are that all dogs are to be on leash at all times except for when inside the dog park, which is always available. I believe city rules are the same. Any dog owner stupid enough to let their dog in my yard deserves the vet bill. Any dog that is hunter enough to threaten my cat should be on leash.
My last pet was a dog. I loved him deeply. I did a real dog obedience training with him, with a lady who trained German shepherds for the police. We both learned, and we had a language. He did not run off to shit in someone else's yard. I could call him off a chase when other dogs were still chasing. He would sit and watch quietly when I spotted wildlife. He would heel, really heel without a leash on, and stay. He would stay laying in the shade while I had lunch in a restaurant. So when you say your dog is well trained, at a bare minimum I expect that you can call them back to you and they will come. Every time. If he's not well trained, he should be on a leash.
Postscript: I texted my neighbors to ask for some quiet and admitted that the dog barking was getting to me. They took the dogs indoors and the noise has stopped. I can feel my blood pressure gradually dropping back toward normal.
I think that when this cat dies I will not have any more pets. It is very American to have pets, it helps us with the isolation. But I would rather hang out with my neighbors than listen to their pets. I would rather make love to my partner than pet the cat. I would rather not have a litter box to clean or warm piles of dung to pick up with a plastic bag. The numbers are astounding about pet ownership in the US: could it be that we are substituting cats, dogs, computers and phones for having real connections with other people?
This morning when I was done working in the garden I headed for the house only to realize on the steps that something was on the bottom of my sandal. I scraped it off on the edge of the steps and it was dog shit. I hosed off my shoe and the steps. It may seem like a small thing to you, that your dog does not come when you call it and loves to shit in my garden, but it is not a small thing to me.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a girlfriend who has two dogs. She wanted me to walk one but I begged out. The one that she did bring, an American pitbull, was kept on leash the whole time. It took the treats which were offered regularly regardless of behavior, and appeared indifferent to the kiddie talk tone taken in her speech. It kept jumping on me, and slobbering on my legs whenever we stopped. Slobbering may be normal in your world, but I don't want it in mine.
I live across the street from a park, and people walk their dogs past here all day every day. I have a cat. My cat hates dogs with a ferocity I have never seen in another creature. She will go out of her way to draw blood if the dog is clueless enough to get in range. But some dogs would kill her if they caught her, and she recognizes that kind and runs, climbs, escapes. The park rules are that all dogs are to be on leash at all times except for when inside the dog park, which is always available. I believe city rules are the same. Any dog owner stupid enough to let their dog in my yard deserves the vet bill. Any dog that is hunter enough to threaten my cat should be on leash.
My last pet was a dog. I loved him deeply. I did a real dog obedience training with him, with a lady who trained German shepherds for the police. We both learned, and we had a language. He did not run off to shit in someone else's yard. I could call him off a chase when other dogs were still chasing. He would sit and watch quietly when I spotted wildlife. He would heel, really heel without a leash on, and stay. He would stay laying in the shade while I had lunch in a restaurant. So when you say your dog is well trained, at a bare minimum I expect that you can call them back to you and they will come. Every time. If he's not well trained, he should be on a leash.
Postscript: I texted my neighbors to ask for some quiet and admitted that the dog barking was getting to me. They took the dogs indoors and the noise has stopped. I can feel my blood pressure gradually dropping back toward normal.
I think that when this cat dies I will not have any more pets. It is very American to have pets, it helps us with the isolation. But I would rather hang out with my neighbors than listen to their pets. I would rather make love to my partner than pet the cat. I would rather not have a litter box to clean or warm piles of dung to pick up with a plastic bag. The numbers are astounding about pet ownership in the US: could it be that we are substituting cats, dogs, computers and phones for having real connections with other people?
Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
- Kahlil Gibran
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
- Kahlil Gibran
A relationship is more likely to be causal if it can be replicated.
—Charlie Kufs, Statistician
"While we are quick to judge the human rights record of every other country on earth, it is we civilized Americans whose murder rate is ten times that of other Western nations, we civilized Americans who kill women and children with the most alarming frequency. In (sad) fact, if a full jumbo jet crashed into a mountain killing everyone on board, and if that happened every month, month in and month out, the number of people killed still wouldn't equal the number of women murdered by their husbands and boyfriends each year."
-p7 in The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
-p7 in The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
He's been playing daily and I'm impressed--he's actually getting much better at playing melodies, harmonies, you name it. It's kind of a relief because his singing used to drive me out of the house. Not that he's a bad singer, but he picks songs that I don't like, for example the one that says repeatedly "you're gonna love me someday". More like I'm gonna kill him someday, if he keeps singing that song. But no, the picking is great. Happy he's practicing.
One of the best things about my sweetie is that he is at least 73% grown up. He's 62 years of age, and he's neither an early or later bloomer, he's just a man. I credit his wives and life with educating him, and him with making the effort to become a decent human being. It doesn't happen to everyone. The mankind project helped. He really is kind, generous, and thoughtful. He is a very hard worker. His word is better than his memory. He's trying.
Unfortunately, he still leaves dirty dishes in the sink. I've been working on him to realize that this is important to me but he persists in thinking that I am unreasonable in asking him to do it differently. When we have partners that we care about, it is wise to concern ourselves with their desires, even if they seem irrational. Doing what we want to do for them is different from doing what they want us to do for them, or just in general.
So I just ran across this article by a man who confesses up front that he was a terrible husband. He's so awash in authenticity and willingness to work on himself that I'd be surprised if his ex-wife doesn't want him back. If she doesn't, someone else will. Guys who are sincere and have integrity rule.
Here's the guy's blog. It's awesome.
http://mustbethistalltoride.com
And the article about leaving things in the sink:
http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
Unfortunately, he still leaves dirty dishes in the sink. I've been working on him to realize that this is important to me but he persists in thinking that I am unreasonable in asking him to do it differently. When we have partners that we care about, it is wise to concern ourselves with their desires, even if they seem irrational. Doing what we want to do for them is different from doing what they want us to do for them, or just in general.
So I just ran across this article by a man who confesses up front that he was a terrible husband. He's so awash in authenticity and willingness to work on himself that I'd be surprised if his ex-wife doesn't want him back. If she doesn't, someone else will. Guys who are sincere and have integrity rule.
Here's the guy's blog. It's awesome.
http://mustbethistalltoride.com
And the article about leaving things in the sink:
http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
I used to think
the worst thing in life
is to end up alone.
The worst thing in life
is to end up with people
who make you feel alone.
--Robin Williams
the worst thing in life
is to end up alone.
The worst thing in life
is to end up with people
who make you feel alone.
--Robin Williams
I'm happy to read that California colleges are adopting this new standard which says that in order to not be rape, sexual interaction may occur when both partners are conscious and actively consenting. I hope that this new standard is widely adopted and eventually becomes law for the nation, not just a few colleges.
My partner points out that it does not remove the possibility of a "he said she said" standoff in court, and this is true. It requires education, so that everyone knows that it is the standard, and support such that all persons feel empowered to say "no" when they want to.
What this standard does, in my mind at least, is raise the bar ever so slightly for aggressors seeking sex. It removes the defense "She didn't say no" from play. I have been appalled to see that a raped woman cannot get justice unless she gets hurt. If she is not injured, and does not have ejaculate on her, then the court could find "no evidence" that she was raped. Requiring that a woman be injured or that there be witnesses who heard her screaming "no" before you believe that she was raped is a terrible baseline, but in practicality it plays out this way. This is why even in our supposedly open culture most raped women do not seek legal recourse. It's not worth it.
I would like to believe that a good lawyer or judge can elicit signs of the truth from a person even when they are trying to hide it. I would like to think that attentive jurors will instinctively know when someone is lying. Perhaps I am too idealistic about our court system, and it malfunctions more than it functions.
There's nothing direct or simple about the way sexuality plays out in our culture and legal system. Messy is more the word for it. Within a relationship that has been sexual in the past, men do take advantage, and women do submit in order to not be hurt. That submission is not consent. For young men who have no partner, the situation is worse. I have read that many young American men today are angry at women because they cannot get the sex they want. One such young man took up a gun to express his anger. Intense desire is normal, but such anger is dangerous. Modern youth partake of online porn that gives them an unrealistic view of sex and does not educate them on the delicacies of dating or seduction. It is an unhealthy situation, and this standard does nothing to resolve it. Who is going to teach the young people how to talk to each other, to be respectful, and to flirt gracefully? I do not know. I only know that the social structures that used to educate us about proper mating behavior have fallen apart, and nothing has taken their place.
At least here raped women are not stoned to death, though I can comprehend how this would be better for the males in a patriarchal system. She can't complain if she's dead. At least in colleges in California, "yes means yes" is an excellent new dividing line between consent and submission or worse.
My partner points out that it does not remove the possibility of a "he said she said" standoff in court, and this is true. It requires education, so that everyone knows that it is the standard, and support such that all persons feel empowered to say "no" when they want to.
What this standard does, in my mind at least, is raise the bar ever so slightly for aggressors seeking sex. It removes the defense "She didn't say no" from play. I have been appalled to see that a raped woman cannot get justice unless she gets hurt. If she is not injured, and does not have ejaculate on her, then the court could find "no evidence" that she was raped. Requiring that a woman be injured or that there be witnesses who heard her screaming "no" before you believe that she was raped is a terrible baseline, but in practicality it plays out this way. This is why even in our supposedly open culture most raped women do not seek legal recourse. It's not worth it.
I would like to believe that a good lawyer or judge can elicit signs of the truth from a person even when they are trying to hide it. I would like to think that attentive jurors will instinctively know when someone is lying. Perhaps I am too idealistic about our court system, and it malfunctions more than it functions.
There's nothing direct or simple about the way sexuality plays out in our culture and legal system. Messy is more the word for it. Within a relationship that has been sexual in the past, men do take advantage, and women do submit in order to not be hurt. That submission is not consent. For young men who have no partner, the situation is worse. I have read that many young American men today are angry at women because they cannot get the sex they want. One such young man took up a gun to express his anger. Intense desire is normal, but such anger is dangerous. Modern youth partake of online porn that gives them an unrealistic view of sex and does not educate them on the delicacies of dating or seduction. It is an unhealthy situation, and this standard does nothing to resolve it. Who is going to teach the young people how to talk to each other, to be respectful, and to flirt gracefully? I do not know. I only know that the social structures that used to educate us about proper mating behavior have fallen apart, and nothing has taken their place.
At least here raped women are not stoned to death, though I can comprehend how this would be better for the males in a patriarchal system. She can't complain if she's dead. At least in colleges in California, "yes means yes" is an excellent new dividing line between consent and submission or worse.
American men have a variety of handicaps, not the least of which is that ruggedly independent badass image they try so hard to live up to. But it does them a disservice when it prevents them from really being close to others. There's no guarantee that they'll have or develop the ability to really connect deep down .... so it's something to celebrate when it happens. It turns out that age 80 is not too late to develop emotional intelligence. =-]
WORTH READING:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/06/opinion/brooks-the-heart-grows-smarter.html?smid=fb-share&_r=2&
WORTH READING:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/06/opinion/brooks-the-heart-grows-smarter.html?smid=fb-share&_r=2&
Nice post here about how to encourage a 50/50 split of talk time and have better conversations. Unfortunately there's no advice on what to do if the OTHER person is the overtalker, except perhaps to excuse yourself to go get another drink.
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