Tradition is tending the flame, not worshipping the ashes.
--Composer Gustav Mahler

 Your confusion is not pathology, it is path. It has something to show you that clarity could never reveal. The nature of chaos is wisdom, but you must provide a home for it to receive its mysteries.

Your feeling of disconnection is not neurotic, it is intelligent. It has something to show you that oneness could never reveal. If you will practice the yoga of non-abandonment and provide safe passage – it will disclose an unmet doorway.

Your loneliness, your shakiness, and your fear are not mistakes. They are not obstacles on your path. They *are* the path. The freedom you are longing for will never be found in the eradication of the unwanted, but only in the core of the love and information it carries.

There are surges of somatic activity that contain very important information for your journey. If you will offer safe passage for the unknown aliveness, you will meet the messengers of illumination. Nothing is missing, nothing is out of place, and nothing need be sent away.

Yes, you may burn until you are translucent, but it is by way of this burning that your wholeness will be revealed.

~ Matt Licata

Suicidality is directly linked to a feeling of powerlessness.  When there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it, it's easy to lose hope, get angry, place blame, become resentful or even violent.  Arson is violence, like rape.  The fires in Israel and Palestine, set by both individuals with both alliegances, reflect the same spirit seen in Brexit, and the election of Trump, and the fires that have been burning in the southeastern US.  I think there's some sour grapes in there too.  If I can't have my fair share, you can't have any either.  Arson is a quick and dirty way of gaining some power.   People of planet earth are angry and frustrated, and rattling the bars of their cages.  Unfortunately the actions taken are usually more emotional than rational, and the end result is a worsening of the situation that caused the loss of power in the first place.  Don't like being poor?  Electing a millionaire won't do you any good.  Don't like living in a depressed place?  Burning down the forests probably won't help.

But the thing is, is sure does feel good.  It is immensely satisfying to last out, to burn something, to smash something to smithereens.  When you are angry, such outbursts are therapeutic.  I personally just LOVE to take the glass recycling somewhere that I can smash it bottle by bottle.  I am praying (atheist prayers) that all the angry people of the world are ready to study and get clear about their true objectives.  I am praying that the angry people will organize and do something productive, now that catharsis has been achieved at least in some places.

Education is not the filling of the pail,
but the lighting of a fire.
~William Butler Yeats

Rivers are magnets for the imagination, for conscious pondering
and subconscious dreams, thrills and fears. People stare into the moving water,
captivated, as they are when gazing into a fire. What is it that draws and holds us?
The rivers’ reflections of our lives and experiences are endless. The water calls up
our own ambitions of flowing with ease, of navigating the unknown. Streams
represent constant rebirth. The waters flow in, forever new, yet forever the same;
they complete a journey from beginning to end, and then they embark on the
journey again.
--Tim Palmer

As far as I can tell, life isn't worth living without love. For a long time I've lived without love, but only barely. I've wanted many times to jump off of something tall for a lack of love. I've fallen in love. I have a great capacity for love. There are many people that I love, have loved, still love. But to be loved back. Ah. This is what life is for, to love and be loved. It is like having two people adding fuel to a fire, instead of just one. One person loving is like building a fire with damp wood and no gas. Tending the flame is much work, and the fire dies when you have to leave to gather more fuel. You have to start over with just a match, and because you love, you work so hard to coax that flame to life. Two people can take turns, blow on the coals, bring light tinder and then small wood, medium then large logs. Two can build a blazing white man fire, or a discrete orb in privacy. Two can bank the coals and rest in the warmth. Yes, more wood will need gathering, cutting, splitting, and the ashes build up. Everything gets that smoky smell. The house can burn down, or the pot of chili get burnt. Nothing is for free. There is risk. There is loss. Still, it is the natural way. Life wants to keep living. Fire wants to keep burning. Love wants to keep loving.

What is to give light must endure burning.
--Viktor Frankl