Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center. Big, undreamed-of things - the people on the edge see them first. ~ Kurt Vonnegut
The day my mother died I wrote in my journal, "A serious misfortune of my life has arrived." I suffered for more than one year after the passing away of my mother. But one night, in the highlands of Vietnam, I was sleeping in the hut in my hermitage. I dreamed of my mother. I saw myself sitting with her, and we were having a wonderful talk. She looked young and beautiful, her hair flowing down. It was so pleasant to sit there and talk to her as if she had never died. When I woke up it was about two in the morning, and I felt very strongly that I had never lost my mother. The impression that my mother was still with me was very clear. I understood then that the idea of having lost my mother was just an idea. It was obvious in that moment that my mother is always alive in me.
I opened the door and went outside. The entire hillside was bathed in moonlight. It was a hill covered with tea plants, and my hut was set behind the temple halfway up. Walking slowly in the moonlight through the rows of tea plants, I noticed my mother was still with me. She was the moonlight caressing me as she had done so often, very tender, very sweet... wonderful! Each time my feet touched the earth I knew my mother was there with me. I knew this body was not mine but a living continuation of my mother and my father and my grandparents and great-grandparents. Of all my ancestors. Those feet that I saw as "my" feet were actually "our" feet. Together my mother and I were leaving footprints in the damp soil.
From that moment on, the idea that I had lost my mother no longer existed. All I had to do was look at the palm of my hand, feel the breeze on my face or the earth under my feet to remember that my mother is always with me, available at any time.
The awakening to the mystery of life is a revolutionary event; in it an old world is destroyed so that a new and better one may take its place, and all things are affected by the change. We ourselves have become mysterious strangers in our own eyes and tremblingly we ask ourselves who we are, whence we came, whither we are bound. Are we the being who is called by our name, whom we thought we knew so well in the past? Are we the form we see in the mirror, our body, offspring of our parents? Who, then, is it that feels and thinks within us, that wills and struggles, plans and dreams, that can oppose and control this physical body which we thought to be ourselves? We wake up to realize that we have never known ourselves, that we have lived as in a blind dream of ceaseless activity in which there was never a moment of self recollection. —J.J. Van Der Leeuw from "The Conquest of Illusion" (George Allen & Unwin), 1951.
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer. --Jim Carrey as quoted in Forbes.com
Never give up on something you can't go a single day without thinking about. --Anonymous
(I am suspicious of the word "never". It goes right in with "always" and "should". And I notice that after a while, the thought occurrences of a person who is gone do decrease. Maybe never completely gone, but at least not so torturous. I do however think that this quote, as a mantra, is destructive by encouraging obsessive thought, and will impede the process of letting go, and hence I apologize for posting it. I just had to.)
This video is of people from a Georgia paddling club running a whitewater river in the classic craft of the 1970's and 80's. That is when I began running rivers, in the same region. The equipment has changed substantially. The river is still the same. The video is mostly filmed on the Chattooga, where I spent years paddle raft guiding and safety boating (kayak).
The Chattooga river still shows up in my dreams. Section IV of the Chattooga is where I became conscious, woke up, began to see past the tip of my own nose and into the people and world around me. There's some nostalgia and a certain electricity for me in seeing these old boats on familiar waters with such southern-sounding rock playing in the background. This video is inside my head already.
Contrast this with the trailer for a more current whitewater video here and you'll know why I backed down from the cutting edge. No need to go anywhere near THAT edge. I'm too old and too female for that.
I felt some loneliness the first week I was here. But now, no. I have enough acquaintances to not feel lonely. The landlady, Marie, speaks English and her bf is American. And her niece, Emma, also…
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