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Last night I dreamed:

I am at my dad's house and it snowed about a foot, and I must drive somewhere. I get down one big steep hill and most of the way up the biggest hill (to the water tower). The middle of the road is melted, almost down to slush, and quite driveable. I am chugging along slowly in second gear because I can see that someone is gunning it and spinning out in the slush at high speed up ahead of me. If there had been no one up there I would have gone faster to be sure I'd make it to the top. The overpowered vehicle collides with another and I am forced to stop on the hill, with no way to get going again in my 2wd truck. I turn around and go back to my dad's. By the time I get back to his house (less than a mile) the snow has completely melted off the road. (I wake up to the phone ringing.)

The night before I dreamed:

I am borrowing money from this hunched burly bad-toothed drug dealer guy. He and I are standing in the middle of a restaurant, with a circle of people standing around us so as to block the view of the diners. Everyone in our group is wearing long black coats. He hands me a pile of hundreds. I feel uneasy counting it there so I stick it in the secret pocket of my messenger bag and head for the door. In the lobby he is sitting, so I sit down next to him, pull out the sheaf of cash and count it. It's $1200 in hundreds. I give him $200 back because I only wanted to borrow $1K, then head toward the bathroom because my bladder is full. As I walk toward the bathroom a woman tells me that the two of us must report to the podium, and it is clear that there are going to be repercussions for our big black coated circle in the middle of the restaurant. I keep going toward the bathroom and once in there I look in the mirror and am shocked at my appearance. My eyes are black and bloodshot, and my skin is ghastly white with huge red pustules all over it. Yellow pus is running down my face from several of the pustules. I look dead, or half dead, and rotting. (I wake up feeling nauseous.)

Waking thoughts:

I have never borrowed more than a $20 in cash from a friend. I have never borrowed any money at all from my family. My current student loan debt is incomprehensible and obscene to me. I do not know why I was borrowing $1K.

The man that I was borrowing cash from is known to me in real life, but I do not associate with him anymore because he is unstable, angry, paranoid, dangerous, and I do not want his drugs. I have seen a side of him that is curious, intelligent and self-educated, however that fraction of him is shrinking. He only remains in my consciousness because a friend of mine is involved with him--so I get reports. He borrows money from her and pays back most of it before he has to borrow more. He has a kneejerk reaction to almost everything anyone says, and rages that we are trying to control him, and that we do not respect his privacy. He cannot take advice, feedback, or help, even when it is gentle, genuine and well informed. For example he could not accept my instructions on how to drive somewhere from my neighborhood. He is, as far as I can tell, doing the death spiral of an addict, and I hate to see him go, but I am not doing anything about it.

But my face in the mirror was another death spiral well progressed. I have acne, always have, and it tells the tale if I am not strict with my diet, or if it is that time of the month, even if I am good with my diet. My face was alarming, though, it was terribly sick, gaunt, disgusting.

Dermatology test is tomorrow. I've been studying about acne among other things. Men in my family have rosacea and resultant rhinophyma. A man I care about in Flagstaff has been emotionally scarred by his terrible cystic acne as a youth. I've been wearing makeup lately to disguise my acne. It actually makes it heal up some because I don't pick at it as much when I wear makeup. Acne is real bad stuff.

The black coats for me signify disenfranchised urban youth, and are usually associated with hair colored black, dark makeup and whiteface, terrible taste in music, nocturnal habits, heavy metal jewelry and a complete lack of joy. Cigs and scowls. Emaciated teens with pants hanging low. Shuffling gait.

OK, last dream. Two nights ago. I don't remember much but this:

I am walking on a trail, I think along the slope beside a river. There are friends with me. We come to a place where the rains have caused the hillside to slough down in a great mud slope (or maybe the river turned into the mud slope?). We climb diagonally down through the mud and rocks and roots, stopping to rest wherever we find a large tree that is still anchored by its roots. At the base of one particularly large gnarly tree I find a very tiny baby mammal cowering in a nook in the roots. (I can't remember exactly what it was but it had long ears, like a rabbit, and I think it was a lamb). I put the it in my daypack and we keep hiking, for a long time. Much later we have made it past the mudslides, and we are exhausted and covered in mud, but we are somewhere safe. I take off my pack to get some food, and am completely surprised to find a very tiny warm passive creature curled up inside it. I had forgotten it was in there and I am amazed that I did not crush it what with all the scrambling we did. I hold it and my heart goes out to it. (I wake up gently.)

Lamb: just last week I picked up 1/2 of a lamb, butchered, and put it in my freezer. I haven't cooked any yet but lamb is one of my favorite meats. The lamb we bought is locally and organically farmed, happy lamb.

Who was with me? Friends. No one specific, but good people, trusted.

River, rain: constants in my dreams. Daypack: my favorite way to carry all essentials. Mud: I have mixed feelings about mud. Once I'm in it, I don't mind being covered, but the initial muddying is a challenge.

So, three nights, three dreams. Unusual for me. I have been drinking kava tea at night. I have some in my cup right now. Perhaps the kava is helping me dream. Or perhaps my earlier bedtime is helping me get sufficient sleep that I have time to dream.

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