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About My Needs & Feelings
with regard to a particular failure in judgement

The creator of NVC (Marshall Rosenberg) says that it is painful to express our needs, and even more painful to not express them. A person who I had hoped would be a friend has officially closed the door to open and honest communication. He has his reasons, there is always a reason. I had thought he would be a friend, but he has just told me he will not. I am not permitted to express my needs and feelings directly to him. So because it is on my mind, I will attempt to express the needs that he will not meet here.

I need honesty. When you won't talk about what has transpired between us, I feel angry. Something definitely happened. It doesn't have to be any more or less than what it was, but pretending it didn't happen is bullshit. I am angry for sure.

I would like to learn the lessons that could be learned by processing our experience. I miss the connection that we shared. You inspired me. Now I am frustrated by your inability to engage me.

I need acceptance, emotional safety. I realize now that when you told me "don't be that way" you were telling me it's not safe to feel the way I feel. You really believe that. I think you felt unsafe and so you had to try to shut me up. You could not let my feelings be. I feel sad. I feel sorry for you, because you probably learned this limitation as a child and have never gone past it. Your feelings aren't OK with you either. I understand how one can get to the place of not OK to feel. I am striving in the opposite direction.

I need consideration. I think your choices are directed at self preservation and motivated by fear. I feel compassion for you, because I understand this way of being. I am hurt and angry too. I EXPECTED you to consider me and you don't. My fault, I cannot expect my needs to be met by anyone.

I need empathy. When I needed a friend to empathize with me you were unable. You are still unable. You say you are doing well. It doesn't matter to you how I am doing. You hug me, but you don't ask how I am. This hurts too.

I need closure. Your kind of closure (forget about the pink elephant) is not satisfying to me. I feel angry.

PS. For you who thinks this is for you, it is. And it is for others too. This is a repeating pattern for me, to get into relationships (any kind) with people who cannot bear closeness, who do not know how to empathize. I am going to feel, and I seek companions who can accept me as a feeling creature without taking it personally. I seek consideration and honesty in my human relationships. I need these things. You can't be honest through a closed door. I seek to stop clinging to unfulfillilng relationships.

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