Now I am at the doctor's office. My right index finger is dark, almost black, and the doctor says that they need to amputate my right hand. (I am left handed.) I ask if they are planning to put me under for this procedure, and they say no. I get scared, because I hate pain and sawing noises. There are several people in the doctor's office. One of them hands me a rubberized hand and assures me that I'll be able to do what I need to do. I hold the rubber hand and see how it looks like a man's hand, how it has a cuff that would fit over my wrist. I say to them, "isn't there anything else we can try first?". I am thinking that I could try hydrotherapy. The doctor assures me that no, I have to loose my hand. He explains that the IP joints in that finger are "flat" and that the finger isn't getting adequate circulation and I will loose it anyway. I don't understand how one sick finger equates to losing a hand at the wrist. I continue to resist, telling them that I use my right hand to masturbate, and two other things that seem really important. I imagine making love, and running my rubber hand over my lover's body. No sensation. No good.
Now I am gone from the doctor's office. I still have my hand. I look at it, examine it. It it still warm. I do not see that it is so sick as to be chopped off. Then I notice a black patch on my upper arm. It is mottled and several inches long, and oval shaped with little squiggles of darkness radiating out from it. It is slightly swollen. I looks like skin cancer to me.