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The elementary school a block from my house has awakened. This morning there are people everywhere, repair men and mothers and kids. Groups of adults standing behind the school and talking in the sun. There's not a free parking spot on the block.

My body has awakened, too. During my walk this morning I was able to do my usual yoga practice, back bends, lunges, squats, quad stretches, forward bends, revolved twists, combined with lots of one foot balancing. I have a whole routine that I can do standing and with shoes on, but I don't do it all in one place. I like to walk a while, until I come to a pleasant spot in the sun, or a good view, and then stay there for a few minutes. My body has come a long way in a short time. It is inflamed in places from the rough massage, but recovering well.

Whenever I choose something new that I wish to be able to do, it often seems impossible at first. But this body is astoundingly adjustable, trainable, educable. If I just keep at it, eventually my body is ready to go there. The same thing happens with my mind. It too can go places that it has never been before. It can even be quiet sometimes.

My mind has been coming clearer in the last few weeks....I have been thinking about all the unresolved or unhappy parts of my life, trying to understand.... and understanding is dawning. Most of the time when something is unresolved, it is because I have been afraid to do or say whatever it is that I really need to do or say. At first I rarely know what to do, so I mull it over and wait for clarity. Once I figure out what it is I must do, and conquer my fear of actually doing it, the problem dissolves.

My goal for this summer was to heal. Heal from a decade of heartbreaks. Heal from the abuses of jobs, from my disappointment with Americans, from my anger. Heal from the tragedies of my childhood. It was a tall order, and I am not done yet, but I have made a start.

Part of my therapy is musical. Individual songs can be highly therapeutic for me. While I was walking this morning, I listened to the songs that will be my next mix. My method for making mixes is first to create a file with the name of the next theme I'd like to mix about. This mix is from the file named Summer of Healing. All summer I have been dumping songs in there that fit my feelings or the theme in some way. Then I listen to the list of songs over and over until the odd ones fall out and I am left with a set that represents what I want to say in that moment. Finally, I listen to that same set of songs until they drop into their proper order, in terms of tone, style, meaning...

Interestingly, in this musical mix there are several songs about someone dying. No one has died recently in my life, but the quality of the mourning is right. Someone might as well have died.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 3rd, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry this was such a tough week for you. You are sounding better in this post, though. I am happy to hear it.

I love music and what it can do for my soul.

Grief is strange. It comes to us in many ways, for many reasons. It is OK and good to grieve for the things you mention - the tragedy of your childhood, your disappointments, anger and heartbreaks. I think the fact that you are mourning these things is a sign that you are facing them and beginning to heal.
Sep. 3rd, 2008 10:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks, girlfriend. It's good to have your support from afar. One of these days a whole day will pass without me crying. I look forward to that.

THANK YOU for the two CD's that you gave me as I was leaving AZ. I have come to enjoy some of those songs rather later than others....but all of it is good music and brings a smile to my face and a "thankyou" to my heart.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )



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