liveonearth (liveonearth) wrote,

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The Rule of Silence

Silence is the kiss of death for any relationship. Silence rules where there is fear, and pain. Silence is the absence of honest discourse. It begins when we each find each other's buttons, and agree to no longer go there. We each have different buttons, and they become surrounded with silent zones.

Buttons are scars where the injury was. When the injury is particularly fresh, or raw, touching the button causes anguish and agony. Later on, when the injury is older, the button is covered in anger. Anger is a cover for old pain. Then as the anger ages, the emotion evolves to irritation. I have a lot of it, and some fresh pains too.

But I refuse to be silent. I prefer to suffer the pain that it takes to defuse a button, to the long souring endurance of denial. People who deny things cannot bear me. I see the pain, and the buttons that trigger it. I understand wanting to avoid that pain. And I have a devil of a time staying away from the buttons.

I don't understand the choice to avoid dealing with one's own buttons. I find it to be childish and cowardly. Adults usually come to a point of awareness about their own buttons, and begin to work on them. The only justification I can imagine for total avoidance is a terrible agony. The hurt could be so great that the anguish never subsides to anger, and remains so potently bitter and painful that it isn't worth going there. If I understand someone's button to be this deep, I won't touch it.

But for most of us, each scarring pain gradually subsides over the years. And as time begins the healing, I believe it is our responsibility as adults to work on ourselves. I aspire in my own life to eradicate silence zones. To reach a point of compassion for all things, and condemnation of none. To become willing to hear everyone's interpretations of this life, and able to do so, without my buttons getting in the way. This is a project of healing in which I have invested my life. And I see that many people do not hold this same value as me.

Toward the end of the eradication of silence zones, I am willing (and I believe able) to speak honestly with any person. If you wish to speak with me, speak out. But for now, I am tired of dealing with everyone's buttons, and I will not reach out. If a person would like to have a human relationship with me, it can only happen in person. Computer conversation does not allow the kind of honesty I require. So while I can share my thoughts in this format, it does not constitute or replace the human connection that happens when we are face to face, open and honest, and take the time for the truth in each of us to come out.
Tags: anger, buttons, relationships, silence, therapy, truth

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